I tried CBD and this is what happened

This is going to be different from what I usually write about but I wanted to share with all of you and hope I can help some of you!

About a month and a half ago my friend started posting on Facebook about these CBD patches she was selling and how great they were. My first thought was this is probably a scam but as the days went on she started posting testimony after testimony from people that had tried them (some of them were old friends of ours from high school so I know it wasn’t bullshit) and they all were amazed at how well they worked. People were using them for all sorts of ailments like, back pain, anxiety, arthritis, headaches/migraines, seizures, fibromyalgia, and many more.

So I figured, screw it, I’ll give them a try too, what’s the worst that could happen? They won’t work and I’m out $30, big whoop. So I got a sample of 6 patches and put one on and didn’t notice a huge difference. I tossed them aside and forgot about them for like a week and decided to try another one. I definitely noticed a difference in my back pain but nothing crazy. Next day I put a new one on and this time I had a really bad headache and back ache. Within an hour of putting on this patch, my headache was gone and my back pain had been reduced to almost nothing. I was shocked! I totally didn’t expect this thing to work. It just took a couple days of wearing one to build up the CBD in my system which is why it wasn’t very effective the first two times.

My husband, who has had back surgery and was complaining of back pain for a couple of days, was very sceptical of these things. He also had a really bad toothache that had been bothering him for about a week. It was so bad he could barely eat and couldn’t get in to a dentist until the following week. For days I was telling him to try a patch to see if it would help him. Even after me telling him how they helped me and that he had nothing to lose in trying one! He finally caved and put one on. He slowly started to notice the excruciating pain that he felt in his tooth was going away. We both weren’t really thinking it would do much for his tooth but it did! I’m still dumbfounded by this. He was able to sleep that night and woke up pain free the next day. It hasn’t bothered him again since using the patches, he even cancelled his dentist appointment.

He discovered how great they were for fitness recovery too. After powerlifting for the first time in years he put a new patch on, without really thinking of it helping with soreness the next day, woke up the next morning and he couldn’t believe how good he felt! His words, “These patches are a game changer.”

For one of the biggest skeptics to give his approval for these patches was a huge deal. We knew we stumbled upon something amazing. Something we wanted to tell other people about. We were both hesitant to get into a MLM since I’ve tried some before and was a failure at it but we decided to go at this one together. Plus we actually love the product we want to sell. We are just getting into it so we haven’t made a substantial amount yet but we have made several sales and everyone that tries them loves them.

Unlike CBD oils these patches last 24 hours and you dont have to worry about the nasty taste the oils have. Since it’s 24 hours it is slowly released into your bloodstream over time. Whereas the oils you don’t absorb nearly as much and you have to keep taking more throughout the day and worry about dosing. The patch you just put on and start feeling better!

Sorry if I sound like a salesman. Yes, I am selling these but it’s more than just making money. I want to help those that can truly benefit from CBD because these things really do work.

If you’re interested in trying a sample pack or would like more info leave me a comment. You can also go to cbdpatches.me and buy bigger boxes of them and get some more info there.

Here’s just a little info about the patches. If you have questions feel free to ask away!!

Topical (16.5 mg ea) NON GMO ARTIFICIAL COLORS LATEX

Ingredients: White Willow Bark qExtract, Cat’s Claw Extract, Hemp (Cannabis sativa) CBD Oil (< 0.3% THC Certifi ed), Water-Soluble Hemp (Cannabis sativa) CBD Powder (< 0.3% THC Certifi ed), CoQ10, Black Pepper Extract, Dermal Approved Acrylic Co-Polymer Adhesive.

The endocannabinoid system is a group of enzymes, receptors, and molecules that helps regulate myriad physiological functions. It has been called the “master regulator” of the human body. Cannabidiol (CBD) helps modulate receptors found throughout the body that are associated with multiple cellular and physiological responses to hormones, neurotransmitters, and environmental stimulants. Through this interaction with cell receptors, CBD tunes the endocannabinoid system to promote calm feelings, aid normal cognitive function, encourage a positive mood, support restful sleep, and quiet everyday aches, leading to improved overall well-being.

KEY BENEFITS

• Helps support multiple key body systems to promote a general sense of well-being

• Dual delivery system provides fast and sustained distribution of CBD for 24 hours

• Helps encourage calm, collected feelings during periods of stress or nervousness, while maintaining greater focus

DID YOU KNOW?

• Influences the endocannabinoid system for fast-acting comfort of muscles

• Helps promote restful sleep

• CBD combined with CoQ10 helps support normal energy production

• Cat’s claw and willow bark help support a normal inflammatory response and aid immune equilibrium.

The total number of cannabinoid receptors in the body is thought to be greater than all other neuromodulatory receptors combined. All vertebrates and invertebrates have an endocannabinoid system. Physical activity can boost the endocannabinoid system. Sustained aerobic activity increases levels of anandamide (a natural cannabinoid produced from fatty acids in the body).

PUBLISHED CLINICAL RESEARCH

Studies confirm previous results demonstrate oral CBD’s delivery is unabsorbable and ineffective in bioavailability; whereas, transdermal delivery via a Square provides sustained delivery of cannabinoids to produce long-term effects. It should also be noted that transdermal delivery bypasses first-pass metabolism in the liver making it safer and less stressful on the liver. Long-term delivery of cannabinoids into the bloodstream, like that produced by a Square, can provide superior benefits to human well-being.

Please let me know if you have questions and are interested!

The real meaning of my name, Salty Mommy

I have been using Salty Mommy as my name on several platforms for a while now. Most people think it’s in regards to my somewhat bitchy attitude, which is true, but there is a deeper meaning behind the name.

If you have read any of my past blogs then you know I have Cystic Fibrosis. If you are not very familiar with the disease than you don’t know all the ways it affects a person. One of the affects is having really salty sweat.

In normal people, the sweat glands cool your body by releasing sweat from lower layers of your skin up to the surface. Salt helps carry water to your skin’s surface and then it gets reabsorbed into your body. The water evaporates, the heat is carried away and your body cools.

Now, for people with CF, things happen differently. Salt goes to the skin’s surface with the water but it doesn’t get reabsorbed which is how our skin gets so salty. Because of this our bodies get depleted of salt very fast, especially when it’s hot out. So to compensate we must stay very hydrated and keep healthy salt levels.

If you ever get the joy of watching me devour food, you’ll notice I cover my food in salt. I fucking love salt. My husband makes fun of me all the time because of how much salt I use. Some people find it disturbing but I really don’t give a shit about what those people think. I will continue to pour salt on my food and disgust everyone around me because I like it and I like to see how judgmental some people can be.

And now you know the many meanings behind my name, Salty Mommy. I’m a salt loving, salty tasting, salty bitch.

I got this info from… https://www.mottchildren.org/health-library/hw185029

And for more info about Cystic Fibrosis you can go to… https://www.cff.org/What-is-CF/About-Cystic-Fibrosis/

When you don’t realize you have Post Partum Depression

I turned 31 on March 13 and the day before my birthday I got food poisoning. There I was throwing up so violently it hurt. I sat on the cold bathroom floor, breaking out in a cold sweat, wondering what the fuck was going on. It came out of nowhere and threw me for a loop. Once I was done puking up my insides, I went to lay down. I was exhausted and could barely stay awake. Thankfully my husband got the kids to sleep that night so I could sleep.

I woke up the next morning in so much pain from throwing up so hard the night before. It hurt to breathe. I was still sore days later.

My husband jokingly said to me, “You were getting rid of your demons”. The more I thought about it, the more I thought, maybe he’s right. It happened the night before my birthday. The night before I would start a new year.

I was purging all the demons I had accumulated when I was thirty. I have done things I’m not proud of, things I wish I could take back. But, what’s done is done and all I can do is try to move on. Work on my relationship with my husband. Work on being a better mom to my boys. Work on being a better me.

I woke up the following day (March 14) and felt like a fog had been lifted, like I was finally seeing things with clear eyes. I looked back at everything and thought, “What the fuck was I thinking?”, I almost threw away my marriage for nothing. I almost destroyed everything because I was being blinded by attention that I wasn’t getting from my husband. I was in a deep state of what I’m going to assume was post partum depression.

I didn’t realize it at the time but I’m pretty sure the reason for my actions was post partum. No one could see it not even my husband. It wasn’t until a big blow up in our marriage that we realized that that was to blame. I was in such a funk and doing things I would’ve never done otherwise. I was thinking about things I would’ve never thought of previously. I thought about leaving my husband, which I still can’t believe I was that low that the thought of leaving the person that’s been by my side for everything had even entered my mind. I wanted to leave my soul mate, what the actual fuck? I had no idea how much having kids fucks with your hormones and your mind. I had no idea how much post partum fucks with your way of thinking.

Unfortunately, I didn’t realize what was happening until my kids were almost 18 months. I let everything fester inside of me, bottling everything up because I wanted to be a good mom. But I was making it so much worse by doing so. I wish we had recognized the signs earlier before it got so bad that I wanted to run away from my family. I found myself always angry and getting mad at my twins for no reason. All they wanted was some love and attention and all I wanted was to be left alone to stare at my phone. I got addicted to social media. It became my life. It was more important than spending time with my family.

While I do miss some of the other parents I use to talk to, I really don’t miss the drama that was also a part of being on there. I got over the addiction. I don’t miss Twitter anymore. It put a huge strain on my marriage and I honestly think it made my depression worse.

While I was pregnant I had feared I would deal with post partum because I’ve dealt with depression before. After my twins were born I was so focused on taking care of them that I didn’t take care of myself. I didn’t even want to bring the boys out anywhere. Only leaving the house with them for doctor appointments. We became house bound because it was easier than trying to take them out. My life revolved around them. I neglected my relationship with my husband. I neglected taking care of myself even when I knew I should. It was just too much to care for two babies and a husband, so I put myself last. I tried my best to breastfeed both but wasn’t producing to feed them both. I would breastfeed one, bottle feed the other, then pump. I’d repeat this cycle that all day long. It was exhausting. I wasn’t drinking much water or eating enough which was slowing my supply down. By not taking care of myself, I was hurting my babies as well.

They are doing just fine. They are slightly more manageable now that they’re one and a half. Tantrums are at an all time high which is also a part of what drove me deeper into depression. They would scream, I would scream, nothing would get resolved other than a pounding headache for me and more screaming for them. It’s a vicious nonstop cycle. I’m still learning and trying to figure out this parenting thing (I don’t think anyone has figured it out yet) . I have bad days where I yell all day and I have good days where I don’t yell… as much. Nobody’s perfect. Don’t worry about other people judging how you parent your kids. You know you love your kids and would die for them but kids can be dicks sometimes.

It’s ok. You’ll be ok.

Kids are little jerks and test our patience and test their boundaries. They’re trying to figure shit out just like we are.

If you need help, get it, you’re not less of a mom for doing so. You’re stronger for noticing something is wrong and doing what it takes to get better. Writing is something that has helped me tremendously since I hate therapists and talking to people is not my strong suit. I write to get better. Find what helps you, you’ll be happy you did.

Having a cesarean is in no way the easy way out

I have seen on social media how moms who have their babies via cesarean are lazy and are taking the easy way out. I’m here to say, “Fuck you!” to all those people that think a major surgery is considered an easy way out.

Everyone’s story is different. This is my story about what I went through having my babies cesarean. It was not easy, in fact, it was the hardest thing I’ve ever done. I hope to never have to do it again but I would in a heartbeat if it was the only way to get my baby out safely.

Having a cesarean was not my plan, I knew it was a possibility since I was having twins and several situations could arise to force me to have one but it’s not what I wanted. I wanted to have my boys naturally with no epidural. But, it didn’t work out that way. Twin B was in breach position and I was told I would have to deliver in an OR room, which I would have to get an epidural. My options were to give birth to Twin A vaginally and hope B would flip around once he had room or I would have to deliver one vaginal and one cesarean. It was a very hard decision but there was no way I was going to attempt to recover from both birthing options. We decided to have them both cesarean. You may say I took the easiest option, which may be true in my situation but that does not mean it was easy at all.

If you’ve never had a cesarean than you really don’t know what it’s like. It’s not just the recovery that’s hard. It’s going into the OR room, alone. Your spouse left sitting outside, getting prepped in their little get up. It’s extremely nervewrecking walking into the freezing ass cold room and sitting on the table with a million things going through your head at once. You’re scared shitless, you start thinking about what if I feel them cutting into me, what if I bleed out, what if something happens to my babies, what if something happens to me. You think all these things while you sit there cold and alone. The nurses make a little small talk but it doesn’t stop your mind from racing. You’re alone. All you want is your person by your side, holding your hand. But you’re completely alone and scared.

The doctor was standing there talking me through what was about to happen. I’m was trying to pay attention but it was hard to make sense of everything. The nurse was prepping my back trying to find the spot to stick this needle into my spine and I just sat there staring at the floor trying not to cry. Nurses kept asking if I was ok and I’d immediately respond faking a happy “Yeah, I’m good” but inside I was freaking the fuck out.

Needles don’t bother me one bit, I’ve been dealing with them since I was a baby so I’m use to them. The sensation you feel is very weird. Not really painful but very uncomfortable and a weird pressure sensation. As soon as it was in the doctor started yelling at the nurses to “hurry up and lay me down”. Within seconds my legs were numb. The doctor started to pinch my legs and hip and belly, telling me he was pinching as hard as he could and asking if I felt anything. I didn’t, it was very strange. I didn’t like it at all.

A couple minutes later my husband was finally able to come in and sit by my head. It was a huge sigh of relief to see him. I was no longer alone. We sat there in a room full of at least 12 nurses, all waiting to help take care of our boys. We were then asked if we’d like for them to drop the cloth they put up when the boys are born. I was hesitant and said no but my husband thought it’d be a good idea and convinced me into it. I’m so glad he did. Looking down at my baby, crying as he entered the world, taking his first breath was something I’ll never forget. They rushed him over to get checked out, put the cloth back up and started working on getting Twin B out. Three minutes later, they put the cloth down again and we got to see him take his first breath in this scary ass world. It was incredible to witness this twice within minutes.

I only got to see my boys for a minute, literally, a minute. I was so overwhelmed with emotions as I looked at my tiny little boys for the first time. I couldn’t help but cry. A nurse snapped a couple pictures and then they were taken from our arms and brought to the NICU. My husband went and stayed with the boys while the doctor put me back together. Alone again. I was wheeled into the recovery room where I layed alone and worrying about my boys. I think I layed there for at least an hour or two, maybe longer, before any family came to see me. My husband came to see me briefly after a couple hours but I told him to stay with the boys. I didn’t see my boys again until at least six hours later, maybe more, after giving birth.

I needed two people to help me get out of bed and into a wheelchair just so I could go see them. It was extremely painful and took about ten minutes for me to get in the chair. Finally being able to hold my boys was worth the pain though.

Speaking of pain, it was agonizing. It hurt to do anything. Coughing, laughing, moving, breathing, getting up, sitting down, sleeping, trying to move an inch, it was excruciating to do everything. It took me a day before I could try to walk and when I was finally able to I had to use a wheelchair to lean on while I walked slower than a sloth. It would take me twenty minutes to go down a hallway, turn, go down another short hallway then through some doors and down fifty feet, just to see my babies.

I needed help going to bathroom, which was fun. Thank God for my husband, the nurses and my mom. Going to take a piss was a bigger production than I would have liked. The first pee you take is the most fun because if you don’t urinate on your own by a certain time they’ll put a catheter in. So, there I was at like 4 am with a nurse helping me get out of bed and walking me to the bathroom and helping me sit on the toilet. I literally sat there trying to pee with the nurse standing there trying to be patient. I had to pee so bad but couldn’t, it was a strange feeling. She decided to give me some time to myself and after another ten minutes, I finally took a piss on the potty like a big girl.

The first shower I took my husband had to take one with me… in a tiny hospital shower. He had to do everything for me. I don’t know what I would have done without him to help me with everything. He’s the best.

It took weeks to finally feel somewhat normal again. It took weeks to be able to get out of bed without it being painful. It took weeks to recover. It took weeks to heal.

I have a scar and a flabby belly from carrying twins. They are one and a half now and I’m still not use to my new body. I still have times where I hate my body, most of the time actually. But, I created two lives inside me and I have to keep reminding myself of that. It’s hard at times. I’m my worst critic but I try to love the new me. I try to love my scar because it reminds of all that I had to endure to get it.

There is no wrong way to give birth, ladies. Vaginal, cesarean, epidural, no epidural, it doesn’t matter. You do what you need to to get your babies born, safe and healthy. Don’t feel ashamed or like you’re less of a mom for delivering cesarean. Be proud of your scars. Be proud that you had the courage to do whatever was necessary to bring your baby into the world. Be proud to tell the nay sayers to fuck off. Be proud of everything that your body went through to bring new life into the world. Your scar is beautiful just like you.

A letter to my husband

Before we met I was alone in the darkness, desperately clawing at the walls trying to find a way out. My fingers bloody, my eyes were puffy and red from all the tears I shed, my heart was yearning for love. I thought I would be left there to die alone in the dark and then you appeared out of nowhere. You were also trying to find your way out of the darkness. We somehow found each other in this void and all of a sudden, a light appeared and we found our way out together. We saved each other.

When we met we were both broken, desperate to put each other back together. Piece by piece we made each other whole again. I stood by your side, battleaxe in hand, to help you fight your demons. You stood by my side, sledgehammer in hand, to help me break down my walls that I surrounded myself with for so long. You are my partner in crime, player 1 to my player 2, the Joker to my Harley Quinn

You wanted to be with me despite me having a life threatening illness. You didn’t even bat an eye when I told you about it, it didn’t matter. You stuck by my side when I was sick and shaking. You kept a brave face when I knew inside it was killing you to see me like that. You laid with me in my hospital bed and did everything you could to keep me distracted from the nonstop borage of nurses coming in to take blood, x rays, change iv’s, and breathing treatments. You made sure I had food to eat when the hospital food was less than appetizing. We cried every night you had to say goodbye and leave me alone in the hospital. You made a week long stay in the hospital not feel so long. You showed me what is was like to truly be in love.

When you’re back was hurting and you could barely walk, I was your crutch. I sat alone in the hospital while they fixed your back. I was by your side when you stood up straight without pain. I nursed you back to health, I took care of you when no one else would.

For so long it was just us two against the world. When we decided to have kids our lives were forever changed. Little did we know that the two of us would soon become the four of us. We became a family. It is beyond stressful but we managed because we had each other to lean on.

When things got too stressful and the weight of caring for twins and your wife was all on your shoulders, we drifted from each other. I felt like the love and admiration we had for each other was fading. I felt like for the first time since we met, I couldn’t talk to you in fear of you getting mad. I felt myself slipping back into the darkness. I felt like I had no one to talk to, I felt alone. Instead of talking to each other, we yelled. Instead of listening to each other, we ignored. Instead of supporting each other, we drifted. When we needed each other the most is when we pushed each other away.

I want to say I’m sorry for letting it get to that point. I’m sorry for making you feel like you couldn’t lean on me for support. I’m sorry for not fighting harder for us. I’m sorry for making you feel like I didn’t love you anymore. But, most of all, I’m sorry for making you feel like you could no longer trust me.

All I can do is tell you that I’m going to be a better wife, a better lover, a better friend to you. I promise to fight harder, to make you feel wanted, to make you feel loved once again. I promise to be always be that girl you saved so many years ago. I promise to continue to fight by your side, with my battleaxe, of course. I promise to love you to end.

Without you by my side, I am nothing. I am not whole without you. I need you. I want you. I love you. Forever and always.

The song that first bonded us…

“Needed you more” by Ekotren

Wait.
Won’t you stay.
Don’t leave me just lying here.
Fighting all the demons inside.
All this time.
I’ve tried to leave my past behind.
All I need is someone to save my life.
Wont you try?

And I needed you more now than ever before.
I guess I can’t make this on my own.
All I ever needed was someone to save my life.

Wait.
I’m not the same.
You said you’ve heard it all before.
Your not trying anymore to change.
All your ways.
I promise that it’s over now.
All I need is someone to save my life.
Wont you try?

And I needed you more now than ever before.
I guess I can’t make this on my own.
All I ever needed was someone to save my life.
And I needed you more now than ever before.
I guess I can’t make this on my own.
All I ever needed was someone to save my life.
You won’t waste your time on me.
Because I will be there in the end.
You won’t waste your time on me again.

And I needed you more now than ever before.
I guess I can’t make this on my own.
All I ever needed was someone to save my life.
And I needed you more now than ever before.
I guess I can’t make this on my own.
All I ever needed was someone to save my life.

Going from two to four

Growing up I didn’t want to get married or have kids. Mostly because I didn’t know if I’d live long enough to get married and wasn’t sure if I’d be able to have kids so I told myself young to stop dreaming of things you can’t have, so I did. Even after I met my husband I still didn’t want to get married or have kids. He said he felt the same so it worked. Then after about a year I started changing my mind and thinking maybe I could get married. Six months later he proposed on my birthday.

We were happy being married and it being just the two of us for a couple years. We really didn’t decide to have kids until a month before we started trying to get pregnant. It took us a couple months but I woke up early one morning and just had a feeling that I was pregnant. I pissed on the stick, waited for what seemed like forever and looked down and saw the word “pregnant” on the digital test. I was in shock. I ran into my husband’s office to show him, we were both so happy.

I went in for an ultrasound at six weeks. Everything was normal, I was bummed when they only saw one baby. I knew they were wrong, I knew I was having twins, I had a gut feeling. The babies were just too small to see at six weeks, I told myself. Sure enough, we went for another ultrasound at eight weeks and there they were, two tiny alien looking babies floating in my uterus. My instinct was right, twins. My husband was in complete shock as I laid there saying, “I told you!”

I was a high risk pregnancy because of my CF and twins. Which meant nonstop doctors appointments. We were going to appointments every two weeks, every week in the last month. I have so many ultrasound pictures of my boys. All in all though the pregnancy went smoothly.

Right before I was at 35 weeks, my doctor said that Twin B wasn’t growing anymore and wasn’t getting enough nutrients. He then asked if we were ready to be parents. Um, what? Not even close. We talked about our birthing plan with the doctor. I had wanted to have them naturally with no pain meds, no epidural. But because Twin B was breach that complicated things. My choices were to try to deliver Twin A naturally but would most likely have to deliver Twin B cesarean. I did not want to have to recover from both deliveries so we decided I would deliver both cesarean.

I had the boys at exactly 35 weeks. Twin A was 4 lbs 9 oz and Twin B was 3 lbs 9 oz. They spent their first 17 days of life in the NICU. I stayed with them the whole time, sleeping in an uncomfortable hospital sleeper chair. I spent 17 days and nights with them, only leaving when forced to eat or when my husband made me go home to nap a couple hours once or twice. I felt guilty for leaving them everytime even if I was only gone 10 minutes to inhale food or take a shower. It’s crazy how a switch is flipped the second your baby(ies) is(are) born. You love and care for these tiny humans you made inside your body more than you thought possible. It’s insane.

Becoming a mom was a huge struggle, especially with twins. We had no idea what we were doing but we kind of figured things out along the way. We wanted to do things our way and figure out what worked best for us. We eventually got into a routine but it did take time. Having twins was a huge life adjustment for us. We were so use to it being just the two of us that having to care for two other humans was overwhelming. I wouldn’t change a thing though. We do the best we can. They’re still alive so I guess we’re doing something right.

Why I started a blog

I have always been able to express myself better in writing than in speaking. I can get my emotions out better and say what I really feel. I prefer texting over talking on the phone. I prefer writing notes over actually speaking to someone.

I write how I would talk. It’s riddled with two word sentences and probably unnecessary commas. It’s just my style, I guess. I let the words flow out and rarely edit. I read everything several times but try to leave it how I wrote it because it’s more real that way.

Back to the point of this post, why I started blogging. I have wanted to start a blog for over a year now but didn’t know what to write or where to start. Then something happened last week and the only way I knew how to get out what I was feeling was in writing so that’s what I did. I wrote. I deleted what I wrote. Then wrote new posts that I decided to publish on here and share with all of you.

I write for myself, to get my story out there. To share my thoughts and maybe inspire someone else out there that’s procrastinating, to get off their ass and just start writing. It helps tremendously to put your words in writing. It’s a healing process to get you through whatever you’re dealing with. Everyone has a story to tell and you may not be everyone’s cup of tea but if you reach just one person and help them, then I think it’s worth it.

If my words inspire one person than I’m happy. I plan to keep writing about myself and the craziness that is my life. The ups and downs, all of it, raw doggin’ it all the way baby.

I should mention I have no filter. I have a dirty mouth and a dirtier mind so just know you’ve been warned. Be prepared for nonstop swear words and sexual innuendos sprinkled throughout my posts. Like I said, I write how I would speak and I’m not going to filter myself for anyone. I want my blog to be real. It’s not always sunshine and sprinkles. It’s sometimes dark and dirty.

Join me on this wild ride, if you dare.

Mawwiage is what bwings us togetha today

Wuv, twue wuv……ok sorry, Princess Bride tangent. I’m done.

Marriage is a son of a bitch. It’s nonstop hard work but can be very beautiful at the same time. You have times where you hate each other and times where you can’t keep your hands off each other. It’s weird.

Here’s my story on meeting my husband and the craziness of love.

I’m about to throw a huge plot twist at you, if you read my social media post then you’ll get it. I actually met my husband….plot twist, on Facebook. Totally random series of events lead to this meeting. His older sisters’ husband went to high school with my dad. They were friends with my parents and his sister use to babysit me. Crazy shit, right? His sister pushed him to talk to me and so it began with a simple, “Hi!” left on my timeline. Pleasantries ensued, I gave him my number because I didn’t want to talk on Facebook because it’s lame.

At the time, I was living in Dirty Jersey and he was in NY. We talked everyday for a few weeks and then there was the threat of a hurricane so I packed some shit up and drove up to NY to stay with family but ended up staying with him the whole time. We were both smitten. It was electrifying. (Grease reference)

I eventually had to go back home but I was getting sick of Jersey and wanted to move to NY to be closer to the rest of my family and of course be closer to this guy that stole my heart. We continued to talk nonstop. I’ll never forget, a couple days after I left NY, the text he sent me….it was so romantic, I knew he was the one when he said these intoxicating words, “So are you my gf now or what?” *Swoon*, I instantly fell for him.

After a few weeks I packed my shit in the car and was headed to NY. I had planned on staying with my grandparents, who only lived five minutes away from him but we couldn’t bare to be apart and I ended up staying with him every night. I’d ask all the time if he wanted me to stay at my grandparents and every time he would say, “Why would I want you to do that?” So I stayed and stopped asking him.

Since I was staying with him so much I knew I couldn’t hide my illness from him for long and decided to tell him about it, I was scared and worried that he’d see it as a burden and toss me aside. I have never told a guy I liked about having CF for fear they would lose interest so this was a big deal for me. His reaction was the exact opposite of what I expected and it didn’t bother him at all. He told me that his sister had told him when we started talking and figured I would tell him when I was ready. If I wasn’t in love with this guy already, I certainly was now.

Our relationship was put to the ultimate test for the first time not long after I told him about having CF. I woke up one morning feeling terrible, my body was shaking uncontrollably and my head was pounding. I immediately knew what was wrong because I experienced this before, pneumonia. I could barely get out of bed. I called my mom, wrapped myself in a blanket and slowly made my way out of the bedroom. I handed the phone to him and my mom told him to get me to the hospital immediately. We rushed to the hospital where I stayed for the next week, getting non stop IV’s, breathing treatments, getting poked and prodded every hour, it was exhausting. He stayed by my side the whole time, only leaving after the nurses kicked him out at night and returning first thing in the morning. I was amazed at how much he cared. I’ve never had someone that wasn’t family show this much love for me.

We became inseparable. I motivated him to get a better job because he hated where he was and he wanted a change. He got a job with a company he loves but the job was in Ohio. So, we said, “Fuck it!” and we packed up and moved to Ohio. It was just the two of us and we loved it that way. Our stay there was brief, only lasting a year but it was fun and I sometimes miss living there. We got engaged there so it holds a special place in my heart.

From there we landed in Florida. I spent a year trying to plan a wedding but I hate weddings so it was not going well. I woke up one day and thought, why don’t we get married at the CF Walk? I mentioned it to him and he loved the idea. I got in contact with the people that run the walk and they absolutely loved the idea. The hard part was, I only had about 2 months to plan a wedding. I made everything myself. I can’t tell you how many working pinwheels I made in eight weeks. It was pinwheel madness but I loved every second. My grandmother had given me her wedding dress years before I met my husband and I loved it but it needed upgrades…and to be taken out. I took it apart and made it my own. I wanted a removable train so I could still do the walk. It came out perfect.

We said our, “I do’s” early that morning, cut the ribbon to kick off the walk then spent the afternoon eating good food and having fun. The perfect day. We asked for donations instead of gifts and ended up raising over $7000 for the foundation.

Here we are almost 5 years (married) later. We have toddler twin boys that test our patience daily but they made us complete, they made us a family. We’ve had our ups and downs but we stick by each other no matter what. There’s been times we both wanted to give up and walk away but we never did. We prevailed, we fought for each other. We are stronger because of our mistakes. We’re still learning new things about one another. It’s a big roller coaster ride and there’s no one I’d rather be sitting next to, holding my hand as I scream obscenities at everyone.

Yes, I let him wear a lime green suit. I thought it was hilarious. How could I say no?

I put so much work into my dress. I love every detail of it.

Had to wear some Batman socks and high top chucks for the walk.

The Good and the Bad of Social Media

When we decided to start trying to get pregnant, I divorced myself from social media. I was sick of it and didn’t want to be a part of it anymore. Fast forward 2 years later and I have 1 year old twin boys and was a SAHM. It was lonely and I rarely got to ever speak to other adults. I tried to start a t shirt design business to keep myself busy but never sold a thing. I joined Instagram trying to promote it and when that didn’t work I went back to Facebook, which also failed. I decided to try Twitter, while it did nothing to help my business I instantly fell in love and felt like I found a place where I could be myself and talk to other parents. I spent most of my time on there laughing and making fun of the other parents. We would commiserate, lift each other up and laugh at each other…so much laughing. It made me remember what it was like to have friends.

Unfortunately, I was getting consumed by it, I paid little attention to my real life. It was clouding my judgment and made do things I knew I shouldn’t be doing but did anyway. I told no one I was on there because I just wanted a place to myself where I wasn’t going to be judged or have family putting their serious comments on a post that was suppose to be funny. I could do what I wanted and say what was on my mind without repercussions. It was very freeing to just be me.

You form groups, friends you talk to everyday, people you joke around with, it sucks you in. Most of it is fun but there is also so much drama involved. You try to stay out of it but it’s hard not to get wrapped up in it. Nonsense ensues. It gets crazy and you feel like you’re back in high school. This is the part I do not miss.

I have made friends on there that I feel closer to than people I have actually met. We bonded instantly and talked everyday. Even after I left Twitter, we found a way to still talk everyday. They have become my best friends and we haven’t even met… yet. It’s crazy to me when I think about that. I love these girls. We can talk about anything and everything. It’s like we’ve known each other for years. I can’t imagine life without them now. I can’t wait to meet them in person! This is the part I miss terribly.

I would like to go back on but have yet to make up my mind. If I do go back I will not be letting it take over my life like it did before. I took a break to work on my real life and my real relationships with my husband and kids. The people I care about that I neglected. I know I made mistakes but I owned up to them and know I will never make them again. I will be a better person because of this. It’s good to take a step back every once in a while and appreciate what is right in front of you instead of what’s behind the screen.

Take a break. Enjoy life.

Living With Disease

My life started off complicated. I was diagnosed with Cystic Fibrosis when I was born. I was destined to not live long and to spend most of my life in the hospital. I proved everyone wrong. I am now (almost) 31, married with 1.5 y/o twin boys. I have only been hospitalized twice in my whole life for pneumonia. I am one of the lucky ones and I always feel guilty for being healthy while there are other people living with this disease struggling to survive. For all the ones that were taken away too soon, I mourn them all, it hits me hard everytime. I don’t know any of them but still feel a connection to them. We all know the struggles of coughing uncontrollably, gasping for air in a coughing fit and sometimes just gasping for air. It’s who we are, it’s a part of us and only we understand.

Growing up, my brother (who also has CF) and I were treated like the other kids. We were encouraged to go outside and play with other kids, to get dirty, to have fun. Our parents didn’t want us to feel sheltered like we had to be afraid of everything because we could get sick. Treating us like “normal” kids made us stronger. It made us into the adults we are today.

When doctors tell your parents that your kids may not live long enough to be teenagers, it’s something that sticks with you forever. It’s always a thought in the back of your head. Even after I surpassed my teen years and my twenties, it still resonates inside me. I went through life using that as fuel. Trying to live my life in the moment knowing I may not be alive next month or next year. Living with such uncertainty can wear anyone down. It did eventually get the best of me, I ran out of that fuel. It was the first time I was lost in the darkness. Tripping over empty bottles of Jack Daniels, trying to find my way out. Feeling so alone in an empty void that had no end. I was sure I was going to die and I didn’t care.

Then out of nowhere, I was sent a protector. Someone that made life worth living. It was the first time he saved me.